When my therapist first suggested the idea of group therapy for me, I was skeptical to say the least. I had a hard enough time in my own company, with my own issues, I wasn’t sure how I was going to enjoy or interact with others and theirs. Much like with the other aspects of trauma recovery I have been through I rolled my eyes, but agreed to try. Skeptical resignation is my thing, my therapist understands, she is less concerned about how I start and more concerned about where I finish. I came to her office because I was ready to try someone elses ideas of how to cope, that didn’t mean I was going to do so with a smile on my face and a spring in my step. Old habits die hard. 

It has now been two years since I started group. Last week, I attended my last meeting. Over the last two years I went from group therapy skeptic to true believer. Much like a summer camp full of people with hearts like mine, a room full of people who were all on the same path of healing – even if the place of origin and destinations were different, created a space for rapid healing and leaps that I am not sure could have happened in a one-on-one. 

As our therapist began our last meeting with a short catch-up something struck me, it seemed that all of us, even our leader, had spent the last few weeks decluttering, down-sizing, donating, and throwing out things that we no longer wanted or needed. Turns out that along with letting go of the habits, behaviors, people and relationships that no longer served us, we were doing the same with tangible things. There had been no homework to do so, no prior plan for this to be a group cleanse. It seems that the connection between feeling stuck and having stuff is real and as we were all becoming unstuck, the stuff was also falling away. 

For me the impetus for purging came down to one word. Ease. There has been a trend over the last few years to choose a word that you want to describe the upcoming year. A goal of sorts, a resolution in a way, a word to work towards and make a reality in your life. While I am not one to follow the pack, it became apparent in the latter part of 2022 and the beginning of 2023 that my word is ease. I didn’t even really pick it. It picked me. At the intersection of healing and progress was one desire, ease. I am tired of fighting against myself and against my life. My therapist loves to remind me that “what you resist persists” and through years of progress I grudgingly (I didn’t say ease came natural) can admit that tends to be the case. 

As I prepare to move forward down the road of transplant I don’t want to be or create my own obstacles. In my summation, the more ready I become now, the better off I will be when the time comes. The last thing I want is to get the call and go for the biggest moment of my life, and have more layers of stress because the state of my apartment, or the amount of absolute junk and nonsense I am leaving for other people to handle while I recover. Ease now, is an investment in peace of mind then.