In order to fall off of a wagon, you have to be on it for at least a little while. I call that a win. From June to the end of July I did great. I watched my diet, I worked out, I did all the things, and then…the real world came back, summer ended and school started. Sometimes I feel like a juggler, and I can only handle so many balls in the air at once before I start dropping them. 

Each day, if I did everything I was supposed to do, and did it perfectly, I would:

• Wake up at 5:30 a.m. in order to work out
• Shower
• Exercise 45 minutes 5 days a week 
• Get ready for work
• Work 7 hours 
• Consume  less than 1800 mg of salt 
• Consume less  than 64 oz of fluid 
• Consume less than 1500 calories 
• No dairy (lactose) 
• Consume foods high in  protein and iron 
• Have a healthy breakfast (less than 300 calories, and 200 mg of sodium)
• Protein shake lunch (200 calories) 
• Cook dinner (less than 1000 calories, and 1200mg salt)
• Tidy my house 
• Sleep by 9 pm

The problem is, many days I hit my first wall the moment I wake up. I always say if a healthy person woke up one morning and felt the way I do on a “good” morning they would likely consider calling in to work, much less on a bad day. The mental gymnastics, I have to perform in order to get myself out of bed some days could rival Simone Biles for the gold. Before you ask, yes, showering is on the list. I would like you to think about how aerobic showering actually is, if you are truly cleaning yourself and not just having an existential crisis under running water (been there, do that sometimes). It is a lot of up, and down, reach and lunge, all while maintaining balance and under hot water, ask your other chronically ill or mentally ill friends how hard showering is, and they will back me up.  

The rest of this stuff isn’t so much hard as it is time-consuming and mentally draining. I get tired of thinking about every single thing I consume and how it figures into my restrictions. The amount of time it takes to plan meals, make grocery lists, shop, read labels, and prepare meals (most often from scratch) is a lot when you’re already tired from just existing. 

Anyway, the point is I was actually doing okay when 7 hours of work wasn’t in the mix. I could reliably get 20-45 minutes of exercise each day depending on the day. I had the time to leisurely plan my meals, and cook them, I was able to sleep as much as I needed at night and during the day. I was making progress, and then…summer ended. 

I knew when summer ended that it would be a bad idea for everyone involved to try and do it all right from the start. Trying to do it all and failing would be a hit I couldn’t withstand and perhaps physically would have a hard time recovering from.  I just needed to get through my work days at first, and then hopefully I would be able to add in the exercise. I planned menus in advance, I froze meals, I prepared and within three weeks I was exhausted. I haven’t been sure how I am even going to just do what I am doing much less add more, especially exercise, I get home from work and am exhausted. My legs are swollen, even with my compression socks, and all I really want is to lie down and read.  

It is like I had been juggling tennis balls and suddenly a bowling ball was added to the mix. Needless to say, I started dropping balls, the first ball I dropped was working out. It had to go, it morphed into a hard to juggle football and I just could not do it, and keep the bowling ball going. The problem with that is, that I have a problem with all-or-nothing thinking. It is well documented and something I have spent countless hours working on in therapy but patterns are going to pattern when times get hard and ta-da! I can’t do it perfectly anymore? I already dropped one ball? To heck with the rest of these balls, this is too hard. I am just going to toss this bowling ball around and I’ll pick up another ball here and there. 

That folks, is how I ended up here, looking for my wagon. I know I need to get back on the thing. I have to do what is in my power to do, and I have to will myself through the things that are hard. Man is it easy to get mad, complain, and compare. It isn’t fair that I have to spend double on groceries so they don’t make me sick. It isn’t fair that for me following these specific rules is a matter of overall health daily for me. It isn’t fair when the people close to me, really want me to do these things, yet do not do them themselves because they know it sucks! I think that is one of the hardest things, is it feels very othering to be the only one doing these things. Encouragement is great, but I don’t need a cheerleader, I feel like I need a teammate. There comes a point with cheerleading that it starts to feel patronizing to me, a very do as I say, not as I do kind of situation and I just shut down, (also a thing I am working on in therapy). 

In one month I head back to Nebraska to meet with the heart failure team. I will fess up to my shortfalls, and likely schedule a heart catheterization. I was told that if it felt like I couldn’t both work and work out, a heart cath would be likely, I will tell you, I don’t feel like I can do both. It could be a sign my heart failure is advancing, it could just be a sign that this is going to be a challenge where I am. Either way, I need to do better with my eating and take the extra steps where I can. Sometimes I feel like I am always recommitting myself to this journey, but it is a hard path and there are lots of paths nearby that look more enticing, have fewer obstacles, and are more enticing. This is my path though…steady-on.