Mo Practices Mindfulness and Meditation: A Play in One Act

We open on Mo in her car driving home from her ophthalmology appointment. Mo just learned that at 36 she likely is suffering from glaucoma which is causing a rapidly growing blind spot in her left eye. Mo has had a rough week, she spent Tuesday night in the ER and was admitted to the hospital because of chest pains (she is going to be fine). Feeling as though a melt down or panic attack is imminent Mo decides to listen to the PTSD meditation she downloaded.

Gentle music plays, and a male voice begins to lead Mo through her meditation. Mo giggles a bit when he reminds the listener that recorded meditations are not intended to replace in person therapy because, no shit. Mo breaths as instructed and begins to visualize the safe place the man on the recording asks her to and then…

Meditation Recording: You are relaxing now, you are safe here in this place, in your body…

Mo: What? No, I’m not…ohhhhh shit.

Mo stops the meditation as she pulls to a stop sign.

Mo: Holy shit.

Mo is not used to figuring things like this out on her own. She realizes that the man on the recording is very right about going to therapy for your PTSD, because she probably wouldn’t have figured this out 6 months ago.

Mo: Well, that explains a lot.

Mo realizes that it is weird to talk to yourself in your car and that there is a car behind her. She pulls away from the stop sign and finishes her drive home in silence.

End.

Tonight, I realized I don’t feel safe, even in my own body. I can lock the doors and windows all I want, but the boogeyman is already in the house, the boogeyman is in me. I used to say that it felt like there was a time bomb in my chest and I was always waiting for the beat that would set it off and make it blow, I thought I was over that feeling after my defibrillator fired and I survived it. I guess not. It seems like every time I turn around there is some part of my body betraying my desire to push through and ignore it all. Maybe I need to stop ignoring it, maybe that is the wrong way to approach it. Perhaps I should try embracing it. Ignoring the bully isn’t making it go away so perhaps I have to kill it with kindness.

In therapy we talk about trying to think of all the positive things my heart condition has given to me. Sometimes it is hard to make that list. I feel like it is constantly taking things away, and even if they are things I never wanted in the first place, I wanted to be the one that said so. No one likes being told what they can and can’t have, what they can and can’t do. I am not even sure if these things are actually things I don’t want because without knowing a life without this time bomb hanging above my head, there is no way to know what I would want if it weren’t. I’m in a loop of constant frustration. On one hand I am thankful for this thing that has given me buckets of empathy for others, and perspective that few people have, and on the other I am just so angry that so much of my life’s trajectory is outside my control. And before you get all up in my comments telling me that no one is in control of the trajectory of their life, sure, fine, you’re right, we could all be hit by trucks tomorrow, I get that, but most of you don’t live with a tiny truck inside your body that is constantly (and since day one) wrecking into things and ruining your plans, you just don’t.

So, I don’t feel safe in my own body. Now what? I guess, we all have to stay tuned to find out.